March 30, 2012
Filed under World & Nation
*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*
Silence filled the air as President Barack Obama announced the tragic news to the American people earlier this week.
“Yesterday I spoke to the Chinese president Hu Jintao, who has insisted that either we apologize for our violence against the world, or be prepared for all-out war against China,” Obama stated gravely. “After several hours of debating — and some obscene comments on both parts — I have decided that the only way the U.S. will apologize is if China released its tyrannical hold over Tibet.”
“Today, at 5:19 a.m., I received word that the Chinese military has attacked and obliterated a U.S. army outpost, thus declaring war on our country,” Obama continued. “We will not let such blatant disrespect and violence go unpunished. President Jintao will regret his actions.”
The President went on to say that Jintao’s actions were uncalled for, and that an attack is currently underway to neutralize the Chinese forces. However, the panic did not begin until the next bit of news, which stated that in order to combat China’s large military, Congress has reinstated the draft.
All men over the age of 18 and younger than 60 will become eligible to participate in combat.
This is the first time since the Vietnam War that such drastic measures have been taken, and the American people are outraged by the Congressional decision. However, as with the last draft, students with a GPA of 2.5 or higher, people with disabilities and pacifists will be exempt from the selection.
“Well, I was intending to graduate next year and go work for my father,” said junior Aaron Reach. “But now I’m purposefully dropping classes so I can stay in school and won’t get drafted.”
This is not the only example of people trying to draft dodge. In fact, it is expected that school retention rates and student enrollment will be at an all-time high for the next few years as people are trying to avoid the war. Not everyone, however, is actively trying to avoid the draft; in fact, there are many who are actively supporting the war effort.
“It would be an honor for me to sacrifice my body and mind and various other extremities for the glory of the U.S.A.” said senior Bryan Jon, and there are many who agree with him. Already the Guilford College administration has received numerous student requests to drop out to join the war effort.
“AK-47s, kill-teams, and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “But the times they are a-changin.”
“All American citizens should be doing their part to aid the country in its time of need,” commented White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to CNN. “And that time is right now. With a trade embargo against China, we will not be receiving as many goods, and our economy is in for a rough time for the next few months. We want everyone to know that, as long as we hold together, we’re going to show them the power of the U.S.A. Just who the hell do they think we are?!”
Already many citizens have abandoned the Occupy movement to start anti-war protests all over the country, the largest of which is located outside of the White House in Washington, D.C. Many Guilford students have petitioned the Guilford administration to allow them to attend the peaceful demonstrations, but the administration refuses to take a public stance on the issue. However, they have agreed to change next year’s Serendipity to a pseudo-Woodstock reenactment.
“(The administration) is just afraid to lose more government funding,” said first-year Kristy Korra. “But our politicians need to know that the American people do not agree with this war. The real problem though, is that we have no really good chants against this battle yet. I mean ‘Hey, hey, Obama, how many kids did you kill today?’ just doesn’t have a good ring to it.”
The tension between the nations is already on the rise, as no other countries have turned to side with either nation. Even the U.N. has voiced concern over the fighting super-powers and the possible use of nuclear weaponry. Though both countries have vowed not to use any weapons of mass destruction during the war, people are still waiting in silent fear as President Obama’s retaliation has yet to be seen.